I've been thinking about loyalty lately and about the stories I have heard of the lengths that soldiers will go to, and the heroism many have shown in protecting their comrades. I have heard beautiful testimonies of soldiers even risking their lives to recover the bodies of their fallen friends. Yet, these stories of heroism are coupled with accounts of the high instance of rape in the military, of stories of female soldiers being sexually assaulted by their fellow soldiers or commanding officers. In situations that normally bond people together, such as the stresses of combat and military life in general, for some reason, in some situations, these experiences did not secure loyalty to the women. What enables men to show fierce loyalty to one another, but not show that same loyalty to the women in their group?
There are also stories of friends, stories of young women who have trusted and confided in the person who was their best friend...that is, until the night he decided to rape her. I've been thinking about the group of friends, mostly boys, and the girl who was "one of the guys", until the boys plotted with one another to get the female friend drunk and sexually assault her and physically abuse her with callous violence. On top of the trauma that such a girl experiences is the betrayal and hurt when she realizes that the people she thought were her friends didn't actually count her as a real friend, and worse yet, that they didn't even see her as a person. Her participation in the group was actually conditional upon her willingness to be considered a thing for their amusement rather than an equal person.
Why is this? Perhaps it is sexualization of women by the media. Perhaps it is the high place that contraception holds in our society, with the notion that being sexually available is more important than even our health. Even the medical industry, whose concern it is to care for the physical health of women, feels that taking a group one carcinogen is an acceptable risk for women to take for sexual availability. Of course they say it is so that we can plan our family size, but natural and effective means of planning family size are available. So I suspect the real reason that Natural Family Planning is frowned upon is that it requires a woman to be sexually unavailable during her fertile time if she wishes to avoid pregnancy. I often encounter the belief that abstinence for ten days with Natural Family Planning is unacceptable, but that increased risk of blood clots, stroke, and breast, liver, and cervical cancer for a woman on the pill are not.
Perhaps it is the idea of female as "Other", the idea that the default gender is male, and that women deviate from this norm that leads to men being unable to see the humanity of women. Rather than having more than one standard of "normal", they see only one, male norm. I have noticed this frequently as a mother of girls. There are often toys that both sexes would enjoy, but it seems the manufacturers think that only boys would like it and if they want to reach the girls they have to make it more "girly", like The LEGO Group that decided to make "girl" legos and so made princess castles and pink blocks. I see it in the shoe department when they have two versions of each sneaker, the one for boys in blue and the one for girls in pink, rather than having all the colors of the rainbow available to all children. I don't ascribe to the view that there are no differences between the sexes and that gender itself is a societal construct, but I feel it is also harmful to paint the sexes as so completely opposite one another that each is made into a caricature of maleness and femaleness.
I think that one cause of such disloyalty toward women is pornography viewing. Some estimate that 80% of men have a porn addiction.1 Patrick Trueman, Former Chief of US Department of Justice, Child Exploitation and Obscenity Section, reports that one effect of porn viewing among men is that it reduces their capacity to see the humanity of women and that they begin to feel "entitled" to sex. That is, they feel that their female friends and coworkers owe it to the men to have sex with them. Trueman also reports that pornography is an addiction, and like addiction to drugs, the porn addict progressively needs more hardcore, more taboo material in order to get the same effect.2 RECLAIM, an online pornography recovery program, explains:
Pornography viewing triggers the brain into releasing a flood of its own endorphins and other potent neurochemicals such as dopamine, serotonin and norepinephrine. These internal chemicals produce a powerful rush or high very similar to street drugs. People across the globe are turning to pornography as their "drug of choice" for escape and self-medication.3Trueman informs that currently, the fastest-growing market is child pornography. Though people often begin with viewing adult nude women, they quickly become accustomed and "graduate" to more hardcore and more taboo material. He also states that men who regularly view porn report a higher intent to rape, with many of them saying they would commit such an act if they could be guaranteed to get away with it.2 A recent study by John D Foubert, Associate Professor at Oklahoma State University, showed that men who view pornography are statistically less likely to intervene as a bystander in rape situations, report an increased behavioral intent to rape, and are more likely to believe rape myths.4
I know that many believe that pornography and other hyper-sexualized images of women is harmless fun, but there exists quite a lot of evidence to the contrary. I would argue that dehumanizing others is never harmless and the ever-rising violence that is occurring against women and children is demanding that we wake up, pay attention, and dare to change the present status quo.
Link:
Is Pornography Viewing a Drug Addiction?
Want help overcoming pornography-use or other unwanted sexual behaviors?
Footnotes:
1. Jeannie Hannemmann, "A Call to Awareness and Action" (presentation, Reclaim Sexual Health Conference, Appleton WI, October 27, 2011).
2. Patrick Trueman, "A Call to Awareness and Action" (presentation, Reclaim Sexual Health Conference, Appleton WI, October 27, 2011).
3. "How It Works." reclaimsexualhealth.com, 2013. http://reclaimsexualhealth.com/healthy-sexuality/pornography/how-it-works/
4. John D. Foubert, Matt W. Brosi, and R. Sean Bannon. "Pornography viewing among fraternity men: Effects of bystander intervention, rape myth acceptance and behavioral intent to commit sexual assault." Journal of Sex Addiction and Compulsivity. 18 (2011): 212-231. http://works.bepress.com/john_foubert/7/
Interesting article. Just a couple comments:
ReplyDeleteYour section on Natural Family Planning leaves out how much money is made off of contraception. Is the medical industry valuing sexual availability or is it valuing selling more medicine?
Second, NFP does not require abstinence unless religious reasons require it. Couples who do not use NFP for religious reasons often combine condoms or other forms of sex with NFP. Abstinence is not necessary, but behavior modification is. Yet religious-based NFP promoters either don't mention this or preach against it. How does this impact the social acceptability of NFP?
Hehe. I've no doubt that the pharmaceutical industry that's making billions of dollars off of contraception have a big financial incentive to hate NFP, however there are other people who have no financial incentive that just think it's unreasonable that couples should have times of abstinence, and they are often the very same people that find acceptable all the health risks that fall solely on the woman.
DeleteIn regards to your second concern, while it is true that some use barrier methods and such during the fertile phase of a woman's cycle, all the studies that I have seen that has differentiated between abstinence-users and barrier-users have shown that those who use barrier methods have higher failure rates. This is because simply, barrier methods are not 99% effective. NFP is if one follows the rules. So yes, though some choose not to be abstinent during the fertile phase, they should know that this will increase likelihood of an unexpected pregnancy. When it comes to the social acceptability of NFP, I think high effectiveness rates are a positive. :)
Actually, the Frank-Herrmann STM study found no difference in unplanned pregnancy rates (under actual use) between condom users and abstainers. This surprised the researchers because condoms do have a failure rate.
ReplyDeleteWhat they found was risk reduction/compensation on both ends. Couples who used condoms abstained during the most fertile days. Couples who abstained were more likely to "risk it" on the edges of fertility.
What it show is that couples can tailor the fertility awareness information to fit their lifestyle, however they choose to use the method. There is no "one way" to use it.
Ahhh, you ask me to write a whole 'nother blog post. I was trying to be concise, darnit! :) Actually, thank you for the study, I will look it up and read it. In one sense you are right, fertility awareness is a broad thing and if one looks at it just bare-bones as a way of planning one's family, it is just that. Anyone who has spent any length of time on my blog however, will discover that I love the whole lifestyle-ness of it all.
DeleteIn my own experience, NFP has provided a lot of healing for me. More specifically, the abstinence part has provided a lot of healing for me. It was through the periods of abstinence that my husband was able to drill into my head the crazy notion that I have dignity and worth and that I am loved just as I am. And although not all women have my history of trauma, (see http://nowealthbutlife.com/nfp-liberator-of-women/ ) I think quite a lot of women could use this lesson. In fact, because our present age is so incredibly hostile to femininity, (from the areas that kill baby girls for the sole reason that they are girls, to our own culture that teaches women that their worth depends on their level of sexiness) I might venture to say that it might be the particular task of husbands in this age to teach their wives that they are loved for WHO they are AS they are.
Furthermore, in my experience, the times of abstinence have proven to be so enriching to our marriage, they have served to keep the romance in our relationship and the excitement of sex alive. They've led to so much intimacy on an emotional level. So if I think about it, even if there is no difference in effectiveness rates, (and I have no control over what people do in their bedrooms) personally I *strongly encourage* those who may be using barrier methods or doing other things to avoid pregnancy other than strict abstinence to try to make the leap. I know it can be a struggle, perhaps especially for people who are not used to abstinence in relationships (and I was one) but if you can work through the issues together I feel the benefits to the relationship and to the individuals within the relationship can be substantial.
That's fantastic! I am glad that works for you and I don't want to take away from your story.
DeleteBut every couple is different.
We do not use barriers, but strict abstinence does not work for us. I can accept the idea of abstinence, but as a non-Catholic she doesn't see the point. She is most interested in sex at that time of the month and does not want to give that up. She sees the Catholic Church as anti-woman and anti-sex because of this.
Second, when we have done strict abstinence, without going into TMI, both of our bodies really didn't like it. Not everyone has these physical issues, but some couples do. For us, the physical distraction causes more problems than any gains.
I am glad strict abstinence works for you, but we have found strict abstinence to be far more frustration than benefit to us.
This comment has been removed by the author.
DeleteI would like to respond to your comment about finding dignity and worth through abstinence.
DeleteI have noticed the following patterns about women who appreciate the abstinence and those who loathe it:
For women who grew up in a sexually permissive culture abstinence is empowering, for the reasons you have discussed. For women who grew up where fertility was devalued, motherhood is empowering.
But for women who grew up in an sexually restrictive culture, abstinence has the opposite effect. The guilt, fear, and shame surrounding sex from this culture simply comes into the marriage relationship. For women who grew up in a culture where their ONLY value was as a wife and mother, motherhood is degrading.
She grew up surrounded by this "Purity culture". Although she rejected it for herself at a young age, it did influence her. Which is why strict abstinence is NOT healing or empowering for her.
Hi James,
DeleteThank you for your observations. I do just want to clarify quickly that when a couple abstains during the fertile time, it is not only the woman who is sacrificing. Her body emits pheromones when she is fertile that make her especially attractive to men at this time. Also relationally, she often feels eager to please, selfless and giving. So due her cooperativeness, and overall mood during fertility, as well as pheromones and such this is the time that her husband most wants her too. So it is not that the burden falls solely on the woman; both partners make that sacrifice for one another.
In regards to the Purity culture, absolutely it can be damaging as well. I see the Angel/Whore paradigm at work, that is in literature and elsewhere female characters are often not portrayed as complex persons. They are either perfectly pure and virginal angels, or they are whores, but never anything in between. Either way the characters are not really seen as real persons, and when it comes to real women if they are made into sex objects or made into walking wombs, both are objectifying and don't really see the complex humanity of women. I have known women who also have needed to work through such baggage of feeling like, even within marriage, sex was somehow dirty. They've had to work through some things in order to fully enjoy sex with their spouse.
I guess I see NFP as a healthy balance between the two extremes. Contrary to the notion that people should only want sex in order to get pregnant, with NFP there are times to fully enjoy one another even if the couple has decided that they don't want to achieve a pregnancy. (I'm especially thinking of the so-called 'honeymoon phase' after the fertile phase). But if a couple is avoiding there's also times of abstinence, so it's cyclical. The culture says sex isn't anything more than a fun pastime and it's okay to use other people to get that enjoyment, but that's not good either. We don't want people, including spouses using each other....so there's some limits.
Hmmm...Well, this has been a really interesting discussion and I shall be pondering...
April,
DeleteYes, I am WELL AWARE that abstinence is difficult for husbands too. :-) But thank you for making this clear.
NFP is intended to be a healthy balance. I agree with you.
That being said, someone used to the culture's idea that "sex isn't anything more than a fun pastime and it's okay to use other people to get that enjoyment" will have a very different experience than someone who has needed to work through some baggage and were raised to think sex was dirty.
Purity culture not only teaches couples that sex outside of marriage is dirty, but it teaches couples to avoid intimacy out of fear of sexual immorality. They also teach couples that sex in marriage is a free-for-all. (Meaning if you like sex, race to the altar for your free pass.) There is also plenty of gender stereotyping, such as "Men need sex, women need love." when both men and women enjoy sex and need love. All of these are toxic in a marriage for various reasons.
I do think that NFP is a great way for couples from both Purity culture and secular culture and any other culture to have better marriages.
My problem is how this is dealt with among some Catholics. The language of "mortal sin", "gravely disordered", and "intrinsic evil" that comes up in Catholic discussions of the issue is extremely harmful to people who grew up in Purity culture. It makes it harder to get past the "sex is dirty" mindset. Also, these couples will see improper sexual activity in marriage as just as sinful as sexual activity outside of marriage. They then go back into an avoidance pattern in order to "stay pure". If couples run into extended periods of abstinence, this can starve a marriage for intimacy.
Then they give up in frustration and blame NFP for ruining their marriage.
I also think many Catholics, especially older Catholics, are oblivious to this culture. They can unintentionally give very harmful advice to couples in these situations based on incorrect assumptions. They can assume "we are doing sexual things because we need intimacy and don't know how to have intimacy without sex" is "we are doing sexual things because we are using each other for pleasure". Or they assume that it is common knowledge that it is good for a woman to learn about how her body works, which isn't the case. And they can unintentionally use language that have radically different meaning in that culture.
There are also couples who are dealing with physical issues where the abstinence is extended and indefinite, not cyclical. Strict abstinence for a couple with, for example, PCOS can be quite a burden. These couples are frequently forgotten or marginalized.
This is why I think a different conversation about NFP is needed, and I have written about that.
http://allpartoflifesrichpageant.wordpress.com/2013/01/30/lets-talk-about-sex/
Put another way, "strict abstinence" can be very dangerous to a marriage if you aren't careful.
Deletehttp://nowealthbutlife.com/hate-nfp
I really appreciate your post that you linked to and your (and Rae's) insights. If we're talking about the Catholic Church, I think it does a good job of offering guidelines but avoiding legalistic absolutes in this area. This statement does not apply to all of its members. Tee hee. I think a lot of people want those clearly-defined rules of what acts including x, y, and z are permissible and which are not. But you're right. I think such legalism should be avoided. Scrupulosity, bad. Sincerely trying to love more and decrease selfishness, good.
DeleteThis comment has been removed by the author.
Delete