Searching for Hope

I was driving in my car, going to spend the day working at Elizabeth Ministry International. The weather was a little damp, but sunny and warm. I was happy to finally be able to leave the house without a jacket. I had the radio on and was listening to the news. "We're following the latest news about the three young women who were rescued Monday from a home in Cleveland where authorities suspect they had been held captive for about a decade, and the investigation into what happened to them." I quickly turned the radio off but it was too late. My heart was already pounding and my adrenaline surging.

I didn't really know what to do about the upset, churning, sickly feeling that established itself in my stomach for the rest of the day. I threw myself into my work.  The next day, still unable to stop thinking about it, I tried to distract myself. I let the laundry and dishes pile up while I watched funny videos on YouTube.  For each three-minute video, I laughed and was absorbed in it. After the each was done, I remembered what I was trying to escape from, so I'd click on another one, and become absorbed in the humor for another few minutes. After a few hours of this, I laid down with my baby and napped and cuddled with her.

The day after that I was able to find hope. The women are free now, I reminded myself. They are safe now. Even though such an event was horrifying for even one person to experience, I was, at the same time grateful they had had each other. In such a hell, they had the greatest thing anyone can have — a person who understands. I know their journey is far from over but I am awed at their strength of all these years and their will to survive, and this gives me hope. Surely with such strength they will continue to will to live. Surely after coming so far they will continue through the often grueling road to healing, the road not just to survival, but to living life fully, freely, and joyfully.

Paying Attention to Language: Girly Girls and Tom Boys

I often find myself thinking about the words that people choose to use, and I have a strong interest in language, its subtleties, and its possibilities. I also think frequently about how language shapes thought. The Sapir-Whorf hypothesis states that language influences thought and therefore the language we speak influences what we think. For example, when asking people who speak different languages to group marbles according to color, those who have a word for 'pink' will group pink marbles separate from the red marbles. Those who speak languages that don't have a word for 'pink', but consider it a light red, will put the pink and the red marbles together. Although this is a hypothesis, and the degree to which language influences thought is contested, I think it's fairly well accepted that it does indeed influence thought. In a more sinister example, every example of genocide that I can think of began with dehumanizing others with language first. Language clearly matters and the words we use should be as truthful as possible.

I now have three girls, and I find myself very aware of the words that people use in talking about or to them, and also the words I myself use. Although I've been guilty of it myself, I don't think I like it when people call one a "girly girl" and another a "tom boy", and I'm challenging myself to not use these terms. Anyone who has spent any amount of time on my blog knows that the topic of femininity and gender is a topic I write about frequently. I don't espouse the view that gender is a societal construct, but I also don't negate the influence that society plays in shaping people's views and actions in regards to gender.

I have one girl whose favorite toys when she was three were cars and trains, and now she loves art, climbing, and video games. Her favorite colors are blue and green. I have another daughter who loves dolls, who often carefully and tenderly tucks all her animals into bed, and who has told me that one day she will be a mama and nurse her real babies. Her favorite color is pink. Because of this, it can be easy to classify the oldest as a "tom boy" and the middle as a "girly girl." Of course, these descriptions don't encompass their whole personalities. The oldest is quite gentle, while the middle one is a fire-cracker, (and it's too early to know with the baby).

The reason I don't like to classify them as "girly" or "ungirly" however, is because masculinity and femininity are profound mysteries. I worry that if one is classified as a"tom boy" that she might not feel comfortable in her skin, thinking that she isn't feminine if she doesn't fit a stereotype. The truth is, both of my girls are feminine, because they are both girls, and it is they who define what it means to be feminine, not a stereotype. Furthermore, I feel such sayings reduce gender to superficial characteristics, such as preferred colors, as if being feminine means liking pink and preferring dolls. This is like reducing a whole complex culture to their food preferences, and acting as if only knowing this one thing provided one an adequate understanding of a diverse group of people.

So I'm trying to use my language to honor the profound gift of gender rather than being content to simplify it or minimize it. I hope to use language to express what should be obvious, that true femininity can encompass both girls who like dolls and who like video games (or both), and that a man can be truly masculine and still like pink and be nurturing.

A Proposal on Proposing

Our society has seen many changes in the last 50 years. Societies always change of course, but the rate and scope of change has been immense. The sexual revolution was a shift in thinking about sex. But since the meaning of family, masculinity and femininity, and of life itself is always tied up with the meaning of sex, all the others changed with it. Some laud the changes as necessary and good; others reject them. There is much about the sexual revolution that I myself reject. I didn't find being used for sex particularly liberating. I didn't find using others liberating either. I think there is an increasing number of women who agree with me. The effects from the sexual revolution, after all, have been hardest on women.  More women struggle through single parenthood than ever before. This often means that without the benefit of another income, they live in poverty. Overall, the face of poverty is women and children. Primarily any side effects that occur from contraception and abortion are born by the woman. I think some people, in trying to reject all that, and in trying to restore an idea of protecting women from such hardships, wish to resurrect certain customs from ages past. I think their thinking goes something like this:

earlier customs = more respectful customs 

So while their intention is good, I think it's important to remember that disrespecting women is not an invention of the last century.

One old tradition that gets under my skin, is the practice of a man asking the father of the woman he wants to marry permission for her hand in marriage. This hearkens back to a time when marriages were largely viewed as a business transaction. This transaction was carried out between the woman's father and the man who wanted to marry her. The woman was not a partner in the exchange; she was a good being exchanged. She had no legal right to say no to the marriage, no legal right to say no to her husband in bed, and no legal right to leave him. She was the property of her father until she married, and then she was the property of her husband. That doesn't sound too ideal to me, and in fact sounds rather like rape to me. Therefore, I propose that it's not romantic to propose this way.

I also find some people making this mistake:

a traditional custom = a good, Christian custom

I think there is biblical precedent for rejecting the custom in question. At the Annunciation, when the angel appeared to Mary, asking if she would be the mother of God's Son, we read that Mary was betrothed to Joseph, but still living in the house of her father. Since Mary was in her father's house, the angel could have asked him if he would consent to his daughter becoming the mother of Jesus. Or, since she was betrothed to Joseph, the angel could have also asked him if he would be okay with his fiance bearing God's Son. We read that the angel did niether of these. The only person the angel consulted was Mary herself. Once Mary gave her consent, her fiat, saying, "Let it be done to me as you have said." then she became the mother of God. Joseph was informed in a dream after the fact, and nothing is mentioned about how Mary's father was informed. I assume from Mary herself, after she was already pregnant.

I do think it is respectful to ask both parents blessing to marry, but as for permission, the only person the man needs this from is the woman herself.

Are you married or engaged? How did you/your partner propose and why?   

Learning and Living Life

One thing a lot of unschooling parents struggle with is how to explain what we do to others. Many parents just say that they homeschool because it is something that most people are familiar with, whereas unschooling is something that not a lot of people have heard of. Unschooling often requires a paradigm shift in the way one thinks about education, and as such it doesn't really lend itself to a ten-second definition that would enable an inquirer to quickly understand it. At the heart of unschooling is a trust that if something is vital to learn in life, that children will learn it without coercion or force. We trust that children want to become competent in doing all the things they see adults and older children doing and thus there is no need to make them want to learn something in order to get a good grade or do well on a test.

Education reformer John Holt has said, "Birds fly; fish swim. People learn." It's simply what we do. Therefore learning need not be treated as something separate from the rest of life. I see it as something similar to religious belief. There are those who treat religious belief as something separate from the rest of life, perhaps something that they engage in on certain days, but that's it. Treated this way, it usually doesn't have too much affect on the way they live their lives. Maybe they attend church on Sunday, but on Monday they treat others unjustly. Then there are those that incorporate religious belief into their lives. They truly live what they say they believe and their belief influences how they think and live. Religion is not something they do, it is part of who they are. Maybe they go attend church, but they also try to live justly. They do things that nurture compassion, generosity, and love.

Similarly, learning can be treated as something children do in school, or at certain times of the day, or it can be treated as something that is a part of life itself. With this outlook, most unschoolers don't see a need to create lesson plans. Whenever possible I try not to separate things from their actual uses. Rather than teaching children about the seasons, for example, by using coloring sheets, discussions, and artificial worksheet pages about these things, my children go outside and have time to play in and observe all the seasons. Right now we have the benefit of living near a river. Usually a couple of times a week, my children have the chance to go down to the river and observe and play. This winter, they could see the ice on the river, people ice-fishing, and they could find various animal tracks in the snow. In the summer, they saw the river rise, they saw blue herons, jumping fish, and they played in the mud and clay.

Every so often I'm tempted to think, "But my child doesn't know this yet, perhaps I need to teach it to her before we take part in a certain activity." I notice, however, that my child often doesn't like such lessons and she won't want to participate in them. Perhaps this is why some think that many children will not want to learn unless they are made to. I notice though, that if instead we just dive into an activity, and she can learn those skills by needing them in the real world, for her own reasons, things go much more smoothly and my child learns things with enthusiasm. Right now my 6-year-old is learning to spell and read. My child did not decide one day that she wanted to spell. She decided that she wanted to play the game "Scribblenauts." This game requires problem-solving, reading, and spelling. My child's goal is to play a fun game, but in the context of playing this game she is learning how to spell and decipher many words.

I'm beginning to notice more and more all the times that adults try to extract something from the real world in order to make an "educational" product designed to teach children something. For example there are activity boards where children can practice tying shoes and fastening a variety of snaps, buttons, and the like, rather than just letting children learn to tie shoes by actually tying their real shoes or learning to fasten a button by actually fastening a real button.  How exciting it could be for children to learn math, not just by trying to learn math as something separate from everything else, but by building some kind of structure, sewing an item of clothing, baking something tasty to eat, planning a real garden to grow real food grown for their own reasons, or by having their own allowance to buy some of their own things.

So often when I tell people that we homeschool, they reply that I have their admiration because homeschooling seems so hard. But I think it's only hard when I try to control the learning process. If instead of trying to educate or teach, I try to follow my passions and help my children follow and discover their passions, it is not difficult. The world is fascinating and if we set about discovering some of that richness it is the most natural thing in the world.

I doubt very much if it is possible to teach anyone to understand anything, that is to say, to see how various parts of it relate to all the other parts, to have a model of the structure in one's mind. We can give other people names and lists, but we cannot give them our mental structures; they must build their own. - John Holt 

Power struggles can disappear when the person with power stops struggling. - Deb Lewis, Unschooler

Loyalty for Some

I've been thinking about loyalty lately and about the stories I have heard of the lengths that soldiers will go to, and the heroism many have shown in protecting their comrades. I have heard beautiful testimonies of soldiers even risking their lives to recover the bodies of their fallen friends. Yet, these stories of heroism are coupled with accounts of the high instance of rape in the military, of stories of female soldiers being sexually assaulted by their fellow soldiers or commanding officers. In situations that normally bond people together, such as the stresses of combat and military life in general, for some reason, in some situations, these experiences did not secure loyalty to the women. What enables men to show fierce loyalty to one another, but not show that same loyalty to the women in their group?

There are also stories of friends, stories of young women who have trusted and confided in the person who was their best friend...that is, until the night he decided to rape her. I've been thinking about the group of friends, mostly boys, and the girl who was "one of the guys", until the boys plotted with one another to get the female friend drunk and sexually assault her and physically abuse her with callous violence. On top of the trauma that such a girl experiences is the betrayal and hurt when she realizes that the people she thought were her friends didn't actually count her as a real friend, and worse yet, that they didn't even see her as a person. Her participation in the group was actually conditional upon her willingness to be considered a thing for their amusement rather than an equal person.

Why is this? Perhaps it is sexualization of women by the media. Perhaps it is the high place that contraception holds in our society, with the notion that being sexually available is more important than even our health. Even the medical industry, whose concern it is to care for the physical health of women, feels that taking a group one carcinogen is an acceptable risk for women to take for sexual availability. Of course they say it is so that we can plan our family size, but natural and effective means of planning family size are available. So I suspect the real reason that Natural Family Planning is frowned upon is that it requires a woman to be sexually unavailable during her fertile time if she wishes to avoid pregnancy. I often encounter the belief that abstinence for ten days with Natural Family Planning is unacceptable, but that increased risk of blood clots, stroke, and breast, liver, and cervical cancer for a woman on the pill are not.

Perhaps it is the idea of female as "Other", the idea that the default gender is male, and that women deviate from this norm that leads to men being unable to see the humanity of women. Rather than having more than one standard of "normal", they see only one, male norm. I have noticed this frequently as a mother of girls. There are often toys that both sexes would enjoy, but it seems the manufacturers think that only boys would like it and if they want to reach the girls they have to make it more "girly", like The LEGO Group that decided to make "girl" legos and so made princess castles and pink blocks. I see it in the shoe department when they have two versions of each sneaker, the one for boys in blue and the one for girls in pink, rather than having all the colors of the rainbow available to all children. I don't ascribe to the view that there are no differences between the sexes and that gender itself is a societal construct, but I feel it is also harmful to paint the sexes as so completely opposite one another that each is made into a caricature of maleness and femaleness.

I think that one cause of such disloyalty toward women is pornography viewing. Some estimate that 80% of men have a porn addiction.¹ Patrick Trueman, Former Chief of US Department of Justice, Child Exploitation and Obscenity Section, reports that one effect of porn viewing among men is that it reduces their capacity to see the humanity of women and that they begin to feel "entitled" to sex. That is, they feel that their female friends and coworkers owe it to the men to have sex with them. Trueman also reports that pornography is an addiction, and like addiction to drugs, the porn addict progressively needs more hardcore, more taboo material in order to get the same effect.² RECLAIM, an online pornography recovery program, explains:

Pornography viewing triggers the brain into releasing a flood of its own endorphins and other potent neurochemicals such as dopamine, serotonin and norepinephrine. These internal chemicals produce a powerful rush or high very similar to street drugs. People across the globe are turning to pornography as their "drug of choice" for escape and self-medication.³ 

Trueman informs that currently, the fastest-growing market is child pornography. Though people often begin with viewing adult nude women, they quickly become accustomed and "graduate" to more hardcore and more taboo material. He also states that men who regularly view porn report a higher intent to rape, with many of them saying they would commit such an act if they could be guaranteed to get away with it.² A recent study by John D Foubert, Associate Professor at Oklahoma State University, showed that men who view pornography are statistically less likely to intervene as a bystander in rape situations, report an increased behavioral intent to rape, and are more likely to believe rape myths.⁴

I know that many believe that pornography and other hyper-sexualized images of women is harmless fun, but there exists quite a lot of evidence to the contrary. I would argue that dehumanizing others is never harmless and the ever-rising violence that is occurring against women and children is demanding that we wake up, pay attention, and dare to change the present status quo.

Link:
Is Pornography Viewing a Drug Addiction?

Want help overcoming pornography-use or other unwanted sexual behaviors?

Footnotes:

1. Jeannie Hannemmann, "A Call to Awareness and Action" (presentation, Reclaim Sexual Health Conference, Appleton WI, October 27, 2011).

2. Patrick Trueman, "A Call to Awareness and Action" (presentation, Reclaim Sexual Health Conference, Appleton WI, October 27, 2011).

3. "How It Works." reclaimsexualhealth.com, 2013. http://reclaimsexualhealth.com/healthy-sexuality/pornography/how-it-works/

4. John D. Foubert, Matt W. Brosi, and R. Sean Bannon. "Pornography viewing among fraternity men: Effects of bystander intervention, rape myth acceptance and behavioral intent to commit sexual assault." Journal of Sex Addiction and Compulsivity. 18 (2011): 212-231. http://works.bepress.com/john_foubert/7/

Birth Resources

When I gave birth in October, I prepared a birth playlist for myself and also a litany for laboring women. In the litany I included the names of every saint that I could find that had given birth. My doula prayed it while I was laboring and it helped me immensely. Hearing the names of all the saints who had been through labor before, women who had the vocation of motherhood and achieved great union with God, and who were praying for me at that moment was incredibly powerful. Some have expressed interest in me sharing the litany and my playlist; so for any who are interested, here they are.

Litany to Mothers

God, you have blessed woman by giving her the ability to cooperate with you in bringing forth new life. We ask for the intercession of these mothers to pray for all women as they meet the challenges of your call.

St. Adela, pray for us.
St. Adelaide of Burgundy, pray for us.
St. Adele, pray for us.
St. Aelia Flaccilla, pray for us.
St. Agia, pray for us.
St. Adeltrude of Aurillac, pray for us.
Bl. Angela Angela of Foligno, pray for us.
St. Amalburga, pray for us.
St. Amunia, pray for us.
Bl. Anne Giustiniani, pray for us.
Bl. Anne Mary Taigi, pray for us.
Bl. Antonia of Florence, pray for us.
St. Bathildis, pray for us.
St. Begga, pray for us.
Bl. Berka Zdislava, pray for us.
St. Bertha, pray for us.
St. Bertha of Kent, pray for us.
St. Bertha of Artois, France, pray for us.
St. Candida of Spain, pray for us.
St. Candida the Younger, pray for us.
St. Cecilia Yu Sosa, pray for us.
St. Celine, pray for us.
St. Claudia, pray for us.
St. Cleopatra, Widow of Palestine, pray for us.
St. Clotilde, pray for us.
Venerable Conchita of Mexico, pray for us.
St. Crispina, pray for us.
St. Cuthberga, pray for us.
St. Darerca of Ireland, pray for us.
St. Dionysia, pray for us.

St. Paul says that when we are weak, God’s power reaches perfection. We pray that the world may grow in respect, reverence, and awe for the power of God displayed in the vulnerability of pregnancy and birth. We pray also for an increase of reverence and gratitude for the gift of femininity.

St. Dorothy of Montau, intercede for us.
St. Eanfleda, intercede for us.
St. Ebbe of Minster-in-Thanet, intercede for us.
St. Elgiva of Shaftesbury, intercede for us.
St. Elizabeth Ann Seton, intercede for us.
Bl. Elizabeth Canori Mora, intercede for us.
St. Elizabeth of Hungary, intercede for us.
St. Elizabeth of Portugal, intercede for us.
St. Emma, intercede for us.
St. Ermenberga, intercede for us.
St. Ermenilda, intercede for us.
Bl. Eurosia of Fabris, intercede for us.
St. Felicity of Rome, intercede for us.
Sts. Felicity and Perpetua, intercede for us.
St. Frances of Rome, intercede for us.
St. Gertrude of Hamage, intercede for us.
St. Gianna Beretta Molla, intercede for us.
St. Gladys, intercede for us.
St. Gorgonia, intercede for us.
St. Gwen Teierbron, intercede for us.
St. Hedwig, intercede for us.
St. Helen, intercede for us.
Bl. Helen of Poland, intercede for us.
St. Helen of Skovde, intercede for us.
St. Hereswitha, intercede for us.
St. Hilaria, intercede for us.
St. Hildegard of Swabia, intercede for us.
St. Hildegund, intercede for us.
St. Humilitas, intercede for us.
St. Hunna, intercede for us.
St. Ida of Nivelles, intercede for us.

St. Elizabeth of the Trinity reminds us that whenever we are suffering, our soul is growing, becoming infinite in order to hold you who are infinite. As this mother’s soul grows in order to contain more of you, Lord, and in order to love your presence in your newest image contained in her child, we pray...

St. Jacoba, please help us.
St. Jane Frances de Chantal, please help us.
St. Joan de Lestonnac, please help us.
St. Julian of Bolgna, please help us.
St. Jutta, please help us.
St. Kentigerna, please help us.
St. Louise de Marillac, please help us.
St. Ludmila, please help us.
Bl. Lucy Chakichi, Bl. Mary Guengoro, and other Martyrs of Japan, please help us.
St. Macrina the Elder, please help us.
St. Magdalene Han Yong-i, please help us.
Ven. Margaret Bosco, please help us.
St. Margaret of Clithero, please help us.
St. Margaret of Cortona, please help us.
Bl. Margaret of Pole, please help us.
St. Margaret of Scotland, please help us.
St. Marguerite d’Youville, please help us.
Bl. Maria Teresa Ferragud Roig, please help us.
Bl. Marie of the Incarnation, please help us.
Bl. Marie of Jesus, please help us.
Bl. Marie Martin, please help us.
St. Mary Clopas, please help us.
St. Mary Salome, please help us.
St. Mathilda, please help us.
St. Melania, please help us.
St. Melania the Elder, please help us.
St. Mella, please help us.

St. Faustina has said that if we knew the supreme value of suffering we would no longer be able to suffer, therefore the time to suffer is now, while we can. We pray for laboring women to know the infinite value of their work as they unite their work to yours on the cross.

Bl. Michelina of Pesaro, pray for us.
St. Monegundis, pray for us.
St. Monica, pray for us.
St. Natalia, pray for us.
St. Non, pray for us.
St. Nonna, pray for us.
St. Olga of Kiev, pray for us.
St. Osith, pray for us.
St. Paula of Rome, pray for us.
St. Priscilla of Rome, pray for us.
St. Publia, pray for us.
St. Richrudis, pray for us.
St. Rita, pray for us.
St. Sadalburga, pray for us.
St. Sexburga, pray for us.
St. Sigrada, pray for us.
St. Silvia of Rome, pray for us.
St. Sophia, pray for us.
St. Teresa of Portugal, pray for us.
St. Theopistes of Rome, pray for us.
Bl. Victoria Strata, pray for us.
St. Valeria of Milan, pray for us.
St. Wistrada, pray for us.
St. Wilfrida, pray for us.
Bl. Yvette, pray for us.
St. Zdislava of Lemberk, pray for us.
All mothers in heaven, pray for us.

Rachel, the Matriarch, pray for us.
Ruth, the Matriarch, pray for us.

Eve, Mother of all the Living, we pray for all women as they are called to spiritual motherhood. Help them live their call to bring forth and nurture life, in whatever way God is calling them.

St. Elizabeth, you were blessed by Mary’s friendship and help as you each began living your call to motherhood. We pray for all women, that they may receive the support and care that they need to live their call of authentic womanhood.

St. Ann, in your home you helped prepare your daughter Mary to fulfill her role in salvation history. Please pray for this mother as she nurtures her children and helps them discover and follow God’s plan for them.

St. Joseph, you had many fears and faced great disappointment upon hearing about Mary’s pregnancy. Yet with God’s grace, you rose to your call of protector of the woman and her child. Please intercede for all fathers, that they may be able to live up to their calling and the challenges of authentic masculinity, as designed in your image.

All the Saints who died before birth, please intercede for the children being born to have safety, care, and love throughout their life.

Mary, Mother of God, you experienced many questions when you conceived, birthed, and raised the Son of God. Please help women to trust in the Lord’s providence as they give their consent to God’s work in them.

To these and all mothers in heaven, pray for us. Hail Mary...

Birth Playlist

The entire "Vision" album. The album contains the chants of 11th century nun, Hildegard Von Bingen. They were likely originally chanted a capella, but in this album have been set to music by  modern composer Richard Souther.

All is Full of Love - Bjork

All Neon Like - Bjork

Joga - Bjork

Unravel - Bjork

Mouth's Cradle - Bjork

This Woman's Work (Uncut) - Maxwell

Death is the Road to Awe - Clint Mansell (The Fountain Soundtrack)

All That I Am - Rob Thomas

Praise You in This Storm - Casting Crowns

Let the Waters Rise - Mikeschair

Birth Story in Pictures

Earlier in my pregnancy I was apprehensive about birthing in a hospital, which we chose to do for insurance purposes, but after sharing my concerns with the hospital midwives during my prenatal appointments, I felt confident that my wishes for myself and my baby would be respected...and they were! I had a great birth experience! Here are the pictures below. WARNING! The pictures are not for the faint of heart.

After I arrived, I decided I'd allow them to monitor me for a bit.

I had the privilege of having my friend Jeannie Hannemann,
founder of Elizabeth Ministry International, as my doula.

Being broken to give life, but also being held, supported, and trusted !

I liked this position the best.

I was whispering to my husband that I was pushing. He whispered back, "Is that okay?"
 I said, "I decide when I push, not anyone else." 

Focused.

She's here!

My baby!

Such a relief to have her in my arms.

Mama has you, little precious one.

Meta picture! 

Gazing at our baby.

Skin to skin.

Proud parents.

Gazing...

This is my favorite picture. I think it shows the full scope of birth. The sacrifice is shown,
but so is the contentment and euphoria of a mother while gazing at her child.

Already a nursing pro!

My midwife shows why the placenta is called the tree of life.

The midwife asked if I wanted to touch it. It felt like satin!

My awesome doula.

My newest daughter.

Happy family.